when the past catches up with you
by lunatic fringe
Summary: Rinoa realizes more and more that where she is now is not where she belongs.


**fandom:** Final Fantasy VIII  
**title:** When the Past Catches Up With You  
**genre:** General  
**rating:** PG-13 (language). Yes omg Rinoa cusses. Call Guinness!  
**pairing:** None, it's just Rinoa, and in her point-of-view. There are a few mentions of Seifer/Rinoa because, yeah, totally love that pairing.  
**summary:** Rinoa wonders why she's staying in Balamb Garden when she's left such a big part of her life behind. Oh, and if you look hard enough, there's a line from "Endless Summer Nights" by Richard Marx incorporated into the story. (premiered 09.13.05 at 607am.) I've made a few corrections from the original, too. Just minor ones, like punctuation. Apparently, I missed them the first time around.

* * *

I don't know why I'm here. 

Balamb Garden has been my "home" for the past few months now, and while the reason may sound simple, it isn't. And I don't understand. Dear Hyne my creator and giver of my powers, _I don't understand_.

I came here with my friends. Squall, Selphie, Irvine, Zell and Quistis. I came here to be with him. Squall. Officially dating since our first kiss on the balcony not long after we defeated Ultimecia and I saved him from the world of Time Compression. I love him, truly, I do, though these days I think it's more out of respect or gratitude (or sometimes I think it could have been convenience)... but I do love him.

That's the simple version, the surface, the part everyone sees and knows and bothers to acknowledge. Those are the reasons why I'm here.

But what I don't understand is why I'm _staying_ here.

I was once (still am, perhaps?) part of a growing resistance faction, the Forest Owls. We'd had plans to liberate Timber. I'd lived there ever since I walked out of _that man's _mansion, when I was thirteen years old. I was a brave little girl then, with big dreams and a burning desire to rebel against my military man of a father, and so I joined the Forest Owls. I met Zone and Watts, whose fathers (and they were motherless, both of them, like me, and that established the bond between the three of us even more) had started the faction and who were at one point serving terms in the D-District Prison for starting a riot, but now they were dead. They'd been dead for years before I showed up.

The Forest Owls — _us_ — planned and planned and stayed up all night sometimes and planned how we would liberate Timber. We came up with several ideas every time, but nine out of ten ideas were chucked into the reject piles in our minds. We planned and planned, and even though I was fourteen and getting prettier (or so the only other active female Forest Owls member told me) and asked out by boys all the time, I declined them and stayed dedicated to the cause. It had become more than a means of rebellion towards _that man_, more than an "I told you so, you self-absorbed bastard poor excuse for a father **anyone** ever had" action. The people of Timber were so oppressed, I thought, crunched down by the Galbadian military _my sire_ was the general of (and he had no remorse, obviously, just as he had no remorse when Mama died). They all touched my heart, somehow, and I was determined to help them.

More than rebellion.

I wanted them to be free. Free from _that man_.

(And maybe I wanted it for them because I wanted total liberation from _him_, too, not just running away and wondering if he even gives a flying fuck but knowing somehow that he probably doesn't. Unless he meets another woman to replace Mama, and then he'll hunt me down to show me off to her, because I'm his pretty little girl, _daddy's girl_, and no ma'am there's no bad blood between us no ma'am, and don't believe anything my little _princess_ says.)

(But anyway.)

When Seifer showed up because we asked for him (Zone knew about Balamb Garden and that people could be requested for things like this), back when I was sixteen, I fell in love with him — we both fell in love, with each other — but my dedication to the Forest Owls was still strong. He helped us, teaching us about "tactics" and how to use weapons. Seifer's why and how I learned to use my weapon. Seifer's why I ended up asking for SeeD's help again the year after, but I'll get to that later. He helped us with as much determination as we had, and he wasn't even a member (unless, of course, you consider that he was with me, one of the Forest Owls' head honchos, then maybe he could have been a member).

But summer came and left without a warning, and Seifer was on his way back to the "Balamb Garden" he came from. And then it was me, Zone, Watts and the rest of the people who lived on our tiny little train car.

Skip ahead to the year after that.

Finally, we'd come up with an idea to liberate Timber — we'd kidnap (_dictator_nap?) President Deling and tell him to call off his damn troops, because he was above good ol' General Caraway. Everything was worked through. We even calculated the odds, all that could go wrong, adjusted our margin of error, everything. The plan was next to perfect. We just needed a little help.

I wanted to call Seifer back to help us. Besides, I missed him a lot, and since I lived on the little train car we couldn't very well write to each other. But considering that Dollet was in conflict with the ever-wonderful, power-hungry Galbadian military, Timber was on a sort of "lock-down" and no mail was being let in or sent out without being thoroughly checked. (Illegal as all Hell and Hades and Ifrit, but they did what they damn well pleased, those Galbadian military jerks.) So I decided to just go to Balamb and find Seifer and hug him and kiss him, and oh, yeah, ask him to come back and help us. He was strong the first time he was with us, so surely he'd gotten stronger.

Besides, before he'd gone, he'd told me: "Rinoa, if you ever need me, y'know where to find me. Or find Cid. He'll tell ya where I am. It ain't like I'm anywhere but detention or roamin' the halls with Fujin and Raijin looking for people to put in detention when _I'm_ not in it." (Then he'd laughed and said, "Fuckin' ironic, ain't it?")

Getting out of Timber had been an adventure in itself. When we finally did get out, we took our little independent train and followed the rails to Balamb. I found the Garden, and went in, telling the gate guard man at the entrance that I was from the Timber resistance, Seifer Almasy knew me, he'd come to help last year and I needed him again this year. Got in easily. Found Seifer.

"Seifer," I'd said, after hugging him tightly, "can you come back to Timber and help us again?"

"I wanna," he'd told me, and I'd missed his voice so damn much, so smooth and deep, "but I'm fuckin' suspended."

"...Why?" I'd asked, surprised.

"'Cause I'm a good leader and no one wants to admit it."

He was obviously really mad about it, and I didn't want to ask him for the details. "...So you can't?" asked like I needed verification, like he was kidding or something. Seifer, get in trouble? But he was so... charismatic. Wouldn't a place like this _want_ that?

"Nope," he'd said, and put his arm around my shoulders. "I'm really sorry, 'Noa. Sounds like you guys've got a good plan this time. Wish I could be part of it."

"That's alright." Not really, but I had to fake it.

"But listen," he went on. "Tonight there's a party for the stupid pussy fucks who ended up passin' the field exam" — oh, okay, so he must have failed that field exam — "and Cid'll be there. If you go, and talk to him, he'll put together a team for you. If he's smart it won't be the new kids." The last part had been more of a mumble, but I'd heard it anyway.

"Okay. So I go to the party and look for Cid."

"Yeah. And you should dress up, 'cause it's a formal kinda party." And then he'd laughed. "Maybe failin' was a good thing. I hate dressin' up."

I'd laughed too, but at the same time I was upset. I wanted _him_ to help us, not some group of strangers who I had to explain everything to because they hadn't spent last summer with us.

"Anyway, I gotta get back to being punished," he'd interrupted my thoughts. "I'm surprised they even let me out to talk to you. Shows how important you are, 'Noa."

I'd smiled, still as in love with him as last year. "Alright. I'll... see you sometime, I guess."

"I hope so." In the privacy of the small conference room, he kissed me for the last time.

I went to that party. Met a certain wallflower courtesy of a shooting star that I'd wished for good help on and he'd seen it too. I asked him to dance, because I had to kill some time since I was told upon asking that Cid would be there in awhile, before the speeches were given, and that would be about ten minutes. Besides, people who stand alone against walls and drink fake wine and look like a mopey mess have obviously never danced a step in their life.

I think everyone should dance.

And I was a great dancer. Mama taught me when I was just four, and I loved waltzes and "Eyes On Me" and falling into the coffee table when she spun me and laughing instead of crying. I'd danced with boys at school until I left Caraway's prison of a mansion, and then I hadn't danced with anyone until Seifer. I taught him and he was a good partner — nearly a foot taller than me so he was careful when we danced in my room to a song called "Waltz For the Moon" by some composer named Alfredo Somethingoranother (_not_ his real last name, by the way).

Much to my surprise, the band played "Waltz For the Moon" when I'd asked Squall to dance (he'd laughed at me, too, when I did my fake hypnotism, and I knew I was getting _somewhere_; I'd certainly gotten Mama's wit). I knew this dance perfectly, but he didn't and he wasn't Seifer so I had to teach him. It was awkward, in all honesty, and I _should_ have let him go when he walked off but I didn't want to see him plastered to that damn wall again. When all was said and done, he was pretty good (still not Seifer, though, he'd never be Seifer) and I smiled at him. Then there were fireworks. Then I saw Cid — or someone who matched the physical description Seifer had given me — but it was him. I left my dance partner without knowing his name or him knowing mine.

That changed the next day, though, when for the second day in a row I was surprised. Wallflower-turned-dance-partner and two others had been assigned to help us. I was kind of put off by this, because silent people are so... _stiff_, and what could he possibly help us accomplish? If silence and "...Whatever" was part of our plan, then he would have been perfect, but it wasn't. ...I liked the others, though — a guy named Zell and a girl named Selphie.

Fast-forward to where our plan failed because imagine _that_, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the president was smart after all and had a body double that was really a monster. Then we (rather, _I_, because Squall had pissed me off and I left) went to the TV station and...

...Seifer was there.

Apparently, he'd gotten mad that Squall had been sent to help us. I didn't understand why, but when I found out that he and Squall were rivals (he'd never told me that one summer), it all made sense. Plus, they were new, and hadn't he said that hopefully it wouldn't be them who were dispatched?

I saw him, but I didn't get to talk to him. I wanted to, though, to stop him when he assaulted Deling, but then the guards swarmed and I couldn't get through anyway. So I watched from afar, hidden.

I saw that sorceress and I saw him talk to her, and I heard it too, but I didn't see him disappear. He just... did. And I asked the others, but they didn't know either.

We ended up in Galbadia Garden then.

Oh, that was a fun time.

I still remember 21 Questions (just not really that many) and me lying because of how they felt about him, about how Squall felt about him, and if I told the truth Squall would hate me and he probably wouldn't want to help me. _Stupid Rinoa and stupid Seifer and their stupid **fling**_, he'd probably think, and _she really wanted him to help her, not me, not us_.

He'd have been right, though.

But the whole conversation... damn, I was glad I was a good liar. Good ol' General Caraway's work, there.

"...He was executed? ...Of course he was. He attacked the president. He sacrificed himself for the 'Forest Owls'..." I'd been upset, but I hid it well.

"It was your group that got Seifer involved in all this. You're a resistance faction, right?" Quistis had said. "You must have been prepared for the worst." _Not me. I loved him. _(But I couldn't say that.) "I'm sure Seifer was prepared, too." _I don't think so._ "So don't think of it as Seifer sacrificing himself for you." _Why shouldn't I have? I knew it was the truth._ "I'm sorry. I guess that wasn't much consolation." _Damn right it wasn't_.

She went on. "I don't have any good memories of him. I've seen some troubled children, but he was beyond troubled. Well, he wasn't really a bad guy." _Haha. Right. Except not_.

Alright, so I needed to say something. I didn't want to hear them put him down. Time to come clean, Princess. "I... really liked him. He was always full of confidence, smart... Just by talking to him, I felt like I could take on the world." I remember preparing for Squall's icy glare but it never came.

Selphie started the game. "Your boyfriend?"

Yes. But I'd lied. "I don't really know. I... I think I was in love. I wonder how he felt...?"

She upped the ante. "Do you still like him?"

_Sure as your hair flips defy gravity, my dear Selphie._ "If I didn't, I wouldn't be talking about it. It was last summer... I was sixteen. Lots of fond memories..." And I'd ended it at that, because I'd crossed a line and out of the corner of my eye I saw Squall's shoulders hunched. Pissed. His rival. Me. _You're such a **dumbass**, Rinoa_, I'd waited for him to say, and maybe laugh, a jeering laugh, simply because he could.

But he never did.

I don't care to explain anything that happened after that, because all it really was was me becoming dependent on Squall (I never did get why, because it was completely not me), me inheriting sorceress powers, Squall devoting himself to me, me coming to Balamb Garden with him.

Because it just leads up to now.

And now, I've got to make a decision:

_Stay here, or go back to Timber?_

I've got friends in both places. But I abandoned a purpose that had become what I woke up for each morning, something I believed in so strongly, my comrades in the liberation attempts, my old life of feeling important because I was working for something, not because I was something. Squall's girlfriend. Squall's girlfriend, Squall's sorceress, the sorceress, Sorceress Rinoa, Sorceress Rinoa the Mighty Powerful Lady of Galbadia Balamb Trabia Esthar The World.

I didn't like it.

Didn't like being known for my freaking relationship status and this _unfortunate accident_ (becoming a sorceress, I mean) rather than being known for helping Timber gain the independence they wanted and deserved.

I'm sorry, Squall. I'm sorry Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Cid, Edea, Laguna, Ellone...

I'm sorry Zone, Watts, everyone in the Forest Owls, for _abandoning_ you because I was confused and got swept away with the current of adventure and traveling and sorcery and Squall.

... I decided to go back.

* * *

**AN:** I'm currently in the process of moving several of my stories from my personal writing journal on LiveJournal (607am) to here. I'm keeping them at the aforementioned journal, though ... just putting them on here as well. :) 


End file.
